Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your way submit to him and he will make your paths straight. ~ Proverbs 3:5-6
I have been struggling with understanding this week in more than one facet of my life. My professional and personal life have not only frustrated but also confused me. I always have to refer back to Proverbs 3:5-6 when I try to understand something I’m going through. I feel like for everything there is a rhyme and reason….so I should know what it is, right? Wrong. God knows what He’s doing and it’s all in His perfect timing and I need to trust Him, as I was reminded by a dear friend yesterday. It’s so hard to try to fix things myself only to have them blow back up in my face, especially when I feel like I’m doing the right thing. (What God wants me to do.) But how do I (or you) know for sure what God wants us to do? I’m asking… because I don’t have the answer.
Tears are a funny thing. They can come at many different points in our lives. There are tears of happiness, tears of sorrow, tears of frustration, tears of confusion, tears of relief, tears of love. For me, tears come when I am overwhelmed by a single emotion. In a word, I am a crier. They won’t always be sad tears but if you see me experiencing any pure, raw emotion you will see my tears. (Don’t be scared. ha!) Tears of Unspeakable Joy (as I experienced this week) are the best kind. I felt God so close to me, in my soul, that I just cried, thanking Him for loving me as He does and only He can do. I felt that He was speaking to me. And I still believe He was but I think I just misinterpreted it
or that I haven’t been patient enough. I have this problem with patience. I consider myself a very patient person but when I see something put in front of me. I feel like I should go for it. Take a leap of faith. Not wait around for it to come to me. That’s usually when things go awry for me. Annnddd then, come the other tears.
There was a valuable lesson at Redeemer today. Every relationship goes through these steps. What was. What is. What can. What will be. In the Gospel, Creation-was, The Fall-is, Redemption-can be, and Restoration-will be. There is always a was, is, can, and will be. You see I, too often, see the “was” and “is” and want what “can be”. As I have said before I am a planner; therefore I make a plan. Sometimes it works out, sometimes not. So when it doesn’t go “as planned”, I get down on my knees and I pray…then I get up and go for a run.
I still don’t know what is going to happen with any of these things I am struggling with but I am learning to let go. As with running, so is life. You have to let go to do your best. My best runs are the ones that I don’t think about. The ones where I don’t have to tell myself to relax my jaw, open my chest, keep my shoulders back, and land on the midfoot. ‘Cause when I don’t think about it, it usually comes together just right and I run an excellent pace with an effortless form. So this is my new plan with life, don’t think about it and it will all come together effortlessly. (Or so I hope)
Side note: I have been to two swim classes so far. It is not nearly as embarrassing as I imagined. Coach Chris is great, understanding, and extremely patient with a newbie like me. It is scary. I have had to trust and let go here too. It is not natural for humans to be in water, nor does it feel so. But, in order to breathe, I trust. I trust that I can blow out while under water, turn my head to breathe in above the water. My natural reaction is to lift up mid-stroke but that’s too much work. Let. Go.