Why do I do this?

Do you ever get the feeling, what am I doing all this for?  Well, I do sometimes.  Sometimes it seems it would just be easier to quit and never go back to it again.  Why can’t I just be a couch potato and lounge around like those people?  Why do I instead choose to rise at the crack of dawn to work out?  What’s it’s all for?  Will I get an award?  Will I get money?  Probably not. And definitely not. 

Sometimes I feel like an imposter.  Every where I go.  Do I belong in these places with these people doing these things?  Where do I fit in?  Do I deserve really to be where I am?  The answer is yes, I do…because I put the work in.  No one else did that for me.  No one else could run that marathon for me.  No one else started taking swimming class for me.  No one else is going to accomplish MY goals except for ME.

Right now, it would be easier to just quit swimming.  Hang up the towel, literally, and just run.  That’s what I’ve been doing and it’s working for me.  But it didn’t always and I have to remember that sometimes.  When I am struggling to get down that lane in the pool, I am disappointed in myself and embarrassed.  Why am I just not good at this?  I know that there is a coach there watching my every stroke, kick, and breath.  That can make a girl paranoid so I think about it.  Is it worth it?  Do I want to do a triathlon that bad?  I’m still going to have to buy a bike and that is an undertaking in itself.

These are some things that I have been pondering lately.  Yes, I do want to do a triathlon but I’m scared.  I’m scared that I can’t.  I’m scared that I will never get good enough…and then I remember training for my first 5k.  How it seems so long ago!  It was only about 2 1/2 years ago though.  I remember deciding that I was going to try and run an entire practice 5k without walking…and I did!  But not without struggle.  I remember calling a friend and telling her about it.  I said, “I just kept telling myself – One foot in front of the other.”  How is it that a mere 2 years later I ran a freaking marathon?!  And my average pace was faster than that of my first 5k!  Geez, Louise!  So I will press on because I can and will do this.  My determination is strong.  What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right?      

If we did all the things we were capable of doing, we would literally astound ourselves. – Thomas Edison

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One thought on “Why do I do this?

  1. Yup, I question it sometimes too, but the reward of being healthy and active and doing it because you can makes it worth it. Don't let the pool discourage you. I've been there with a coach staring at me while I swim too, and it sucks. But, you're not trying out for the swim team. You're a freaking triathlete! As for the bike, good luck with that! I'm sure you'll find the perfect one. I've bought four bikes off Craigslist, and one was right there in Johnson City. If you haven't already gone to a bike shop for them to help you figure out what size you should be looking for, I would do that!Hang in there!

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